Belle: Beauty Or Bitch

Essay by PaperNerd ContributorCollege, Undergraduate July 2001

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Belle: Beauty.... or Bitch Before I begin"¦ make sure none of the susceptible young minds of your campers read this"¦ as it will contain unsuitable material for such an age"¦ not to mention possibly ruin the outlook they have on Disney Movies"¦ hehe. Also fully understand that I have nothing but the upmost respect for all of the Disney Movies and am not really serious about anything I say"¦ but its fun to think about.

While watching the fully animated full length feature blockbuster hit, I've decided that Belle was not quite the poor little daughter of a crazier than a loony bird innovater that she seemed to be, but that she was a full fledged, wants to sue you for all your worth, whiney bitch.

1. She thought she was soo much better than all the other peons that lived and worked in that old provincial town. Honestly"¦ what made her soooo much better than all the rest?? She basically sat in her house all day, tending to her old man, her nose stuck in a book like some dork, or walkin around the town signing to her imaginary friend"¦ either that or the sheep"¦ but the sheep never looked all that happy when she was singing.

Why hang out with a bound stack of papers, or with her idiot Dad, when she coulda been chillin with Gaston or the 3 blond chickas (who musta been damn popular in the backwoods village high school). At least chill with Phillipe, who was about as smart as Mr. Ed"¦ who was right on up there on the smartness scale"¦ even for a horse.

2. Hello?? What was she wearing?? Was this or was this not France?? (ok it was actually Canada"¦ but they speak French). The fashion center of all the world, bustling with new styles of corsets and parasols every other day. But no, she wears a drab blue dress. And she wouldn't even take the outfits the wardrobe offered her once she got to the castle"¦ pffft. Guess she thought she was too good for hand-outs.

3. She had to have had some kind of serious eating disorder, how else could she keep up that cartoonish figure while eating masterpiece 5-course meals all the time she was mooching off Beast and his enchanted staff. After Lumier and Cogswell put on a wonderful song and dance tune, which could rival anything seen in Las Vagas, she has the nerve to only try a bit of the gray stuff. Whats up with that?!?! Knowing full well it wasn't on her deal a meal plan, so right after the number was done, and everyone was taking their places for the next song, she scurried off screen to the nearest water closet and purged it out.

4. What was so special about the West Wing?? In all honesty"¦. She should have never found out"¦ the nosey bitch. If some gihugic hairy beast with big pointy teeth basically screams at you that it's the only forbidden place in the whole building, you don't just accidentally stumble into the far depths of the west wing on accident.

5. And lets get back to the whole Gaston thing"¦ First of all, he did lover her enough to gather a huge lynch mob to kill the competition. He was about as ripped as they come (and all from 5 dozen eggs a day"¦ none of this creatine, weight gain 2000, beefcake shit everyone is taking nowadays). He used antlers in his decorating"¦ to get an A+ in home decorating techniques (god knows he had to make up for it since belle was definitely lacking in the department"¦ did you see the shack she lived in??). He was the most sought after man in all of that side of the river, he wanted her"¦ and she didn't even give him the time of day. He had to have some cash (as all desired men seem to have)"¦. He was especially good at "˜expectorating' (which we all know is what the kiddies are calling "˜oral pleasures' these days"¦. Its hard to keep up with all the young budding terminology for things)"¦. I mean even if she didn't like the guy, she could have gotten something out of it as Gaston probably wasn't gonna live that much longer anyway. Sure he was in shape, say he is in his early 20's"¦. at 4-5 dozen eggs a day"¦ that's well over 380,000 eggs!!! That's a heart attack just waiting to happen if I've ever seen one. (the doctors are still trying to calculate his cholesterol level). And to think she probably only had to put up with a year or so of humoring the man before she inherited all of those antlers (which were worth a prize piece back in the day).

6. But no"¦. she had to go and for some reason fall head over heels with a beast. She had to know from the start that procreation was out of the question. First of all who could stand to rub a bare body against all that hair. A. Powers was hairy"¦ but beast is right out of the question. Even if you were to get past the hair"¦. Kissing is out of the question given the huge overbite and razor sharp fangs. And lets not even speculate on the pounding she would receive in the sac. Beast would break her boney ass in two. Ok sure he had a huge castle, some pretty birds, a nice view, and kick ass candlestick (who was shaft incarnate in the movie"¦ you saw how he wooed the other candlestick, and you saw the moves he was putting on her behind the curtain), some decent cheese soufflet. And what did she end up doing for the beast she supposedly loved so?? Got him died by a mob. The bitch was lucky he turned out to be jesus in disguise (the biggest problem I had with the movie"¦. Was the uncanny resemblance that the prince had with the present day image of Christ"¦ what the hell). It was only dumb, blind luck that not only was he a prince, the the son of god"¦ so afterall the bitch not only inherited the castle, but the whole damned kingdom of god.

There are other points to this topic"¦ but that would require a viewing of the movie, and I don't have the 2 hrs to spare to watch and take notes about the things I missed. But I thought I would expand a little on the topic since you so love beauty and the beast and I'm a Disney fan if there ever was one. Hope you enjoyed my little rant. Hehe.