Big Brother! Day 1 - Sadeck admits straight away that

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Big Brother! Day 1 - Sadeck admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Alicia. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Maeve is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although James later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.

2 - The house sits down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Julian creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Emma Pulman hits him with a Spoon.

3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of Eiffel Tower out of Chicken Tikka. After much persuasion by Julian, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.

4 - Training for the Eiffel Tower task is well under way. However havoc ensues when James, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the Chicken Tikka.

Emma Pulman is furious.

5 - Today is the day when the Eiffel Tower task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when James farts and blows Eiffel Tower over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Alicia cries.

6 - Julian gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.

7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Alicia admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a Spoon. Sadeck says he never wears condoms because they make his Penis sore and Julian agrees. Maeve goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. James sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Julian.

8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Sadeck goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Emma Pulman and Alicia are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Sadeck.

9 - Emma Pulman and Alicia are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Maeve sings them a song - Wait and Bleed by Slipknot - to make them feel better.

10 - The public vote Alicia out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Alicia leaves.

11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Alicia's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Maeve has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Emma Pulman is visibly depressed and is comforted by Julian, who tries to touch her on her Breasts.

12 - The Big Brother psychologist replays the footage of Julian touching Emma Pulman's Breasts over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumference of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.

13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that James refuses to run because his Penis hurts a bit.

14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. James finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Emma Pulman calls James a lazy Penis.

15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Sadeck tells everyone individually that he thinks Emma Pulman is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Emma Pulman and Julian are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Sadeck.

16 - The nominations are announced. Emma Pulman can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Julian is equally stunned and turns to Emma Pulman for comfort. James is distraught and confesses to Maeve that he thinks he is in love with Julian. Maeve says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know.

17 - The public vote Julian out of the house. Emma Pulman says she is gutted and even gives Julian a clipping of hair from her Breasts to prove how much she cares. James is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Julian leaves.

18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Emma Pulman clipping the hair from her Breasts. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.

19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Bangladesh in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.

20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Bangladesh sounds like but James says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Sadeck as the one who must complete the task.

21 - Sadeck successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Bangladesh but also God Save the Queen, Wait and Bleed by Slipknot and the theme tune to Smallville. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.

22 - Nominations are due and Sadeck tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. James and Maeve are nominated.

23 - James and Maeve take their nominations well and sit down with Sadeck and Emma Pulman to discuss why they voted for them. Sadeck keeps quiet but Emma Pulman accuses James of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred Penis before bursting into tears.

24 - The public vote Maeve out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. Maeve leaves.

25 - Sadeck becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother psychologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Sadeck's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.

26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of Dog dung using only a Spoon. Sadeck is unsure but James is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.

27 - Completely out of the blue, James breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the Dog incident from his childhood. Emma Pulman tries to persuade him to stay but Sadeck sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. James decides to leave.

28 - With only two housemates remaining, the Dog dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Emma Pulman from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.

29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Sadeck asks Emma Pulman to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Sadeck nominates Emma Pulman to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Emma Pulman.

30 - When the nomination is announced, Emma Pulman graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Sadeck is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Sadeck takes his £70,000 and runs away to Bangladesh. Nobody, including Emma Pulman, ever sees him again.