A BREAKDOWN

Essay by serhat January 2008

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Now, I feel myself the guilty hero of a perfect love story who is doomed to lose. A story of loss whose end is obvious from its beginning… I am struggling inevitably in order to change the fortune of this love. But my childish hopes and inescapable defeats which come after that, can only add colour and excitement into this story. They add continuity. But whoever reads it, will know that this is a story of loss. Only I don’t want to believe this. And you are in the story and inside the exterior life both. You haven’t come off streets. Sometimes you want to get lost in other love stories and you want to be the heroin of some other stories. You call this ‘freedom’.

Why...Why…Why I? Death really starts from these questions. Death is an answerless question which is made bleed continuously by non-existence and the bottomless loneliness.

You are losing yourself, you are losing your sweetheart who you love more than yourself and you are losing your love ‘the unique truth that you know makes life bearable’, by these questions each time again. The instantaneous pains of loss changes into a real missing in the life you are not belong to. Your entire role in this life is to lose whatever happens, whatever changes from now on.

You can’t realise the meaning of your loss. You have never shared yourself. You didn’t remain without yourself. No, don’t talk about the cruel exile inside you to me. Beware! Don’t talk about your lack of having yourself, because you are an utter darkness. You are the one you couldn’t find. You are the one with your losses, suicides, abandons, with your endless trips that you have travelled into the exiles of your soul.. It is ‘you’ and I loved it. I loved the burning non-existence inside you. I loved the endless blank inside you and your ego which you are yearning. You didn’t remain deprived of yourselfÂÂ