Dry Heat; A poem written as I began to come out of a 2 year long deep depression

Essay by midlifecrisisCollege, Undergraduate April 2002

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Dry Heat

There is a brick in the middle of my head

It imposes a constant dread

The brick changes color at unpredictable times

Sometimes red, sometimes green, and sometimes its white hot and the light comes out of my eyes and mouth and ass

I float

The brick appeared I don't know when its so much a part of me

I feel it must always have been

This brick, it is present

Sometimes it is subtle and hard to detect, at others it overwhelms,

Stopping all thought and action, taking away the will to live

Thoughts cannot cross my mind the brick intercepts them

They disappear into a black hole

This hole is in the brick, which is in my head

I think the brick is made of lead

It is so heavy sometimes I fall to my knees

Sometimes the brick feels bigger than my head though I know it is inside

My head wants to explode at these times

I hate the brick

I have no selfhood, I do not exist, I am just a meat puppet

Thoughts of suicide come again and again.

How long before my body is found?

Will I stink up the place? Should I go out like Mike? Where will I get the morphine?

Recently the brick has taken to keeping me home from work. Its weird, I'll be ok until its time for work then the pounding begins and it gets progressively worse until I call in, then sudden relief and a feeling of guilt.

I am so fucking broken now, all my paranoid fantasies came true.

Death is the only thing I can think of forcing me to face my cowardice, thus making everything more painful.

Well there is the downward spiral again. What color is the...