The Effects Of A Girl...

Essay by PaperNerd ContributorCollege, Undergraduate February 2002

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The Pair of Subcontrariety Walking through the lunchroom I see a queen and her two loyal servants. A tall blonde and a short blonde to the left and the right of her in which I have no interest. The brunette in the middle of the two had the endless river of beauty in which I was interested in. I switch tables to avoid her eye. My plan fails as she spots me and gazes right through me. Needing someway to initiate some type of intelligent conversation I come up with a brilliant plan of asking to borrow the spare chair at her table. I walk up to her table and as she turns around, I see nothing but a face. I continue my plan and ask her for the chair and she happily obliges. As I walk away I catch a glimpse of something. I look to my left and I see the most lovely, soft light I have ever seen.

One of the queen's servants had turned her head. As I gazed into an infinite river of blue I regain consciousness and quickly close my mouth. I didn't believe it would make a very good first impression to drool all over this poor girl. This short blonde made me oblivious to every girl on earth, including Ms. Queen. How could I even compare anything to such beauty? As she raised her upper lip I felt myself swallow, deeply. What was with this girl and her making my salivary glands run wild? I eventually turned away and made my way to the door and temporarily forgot about the girl. Suddenly, I see the light reflect off her long, delicate strands of long blonde hair. My eyes had experienced so many things in such a remote amount of time that they started to ache. The gorgeous image of her smile was forever placed in my memory. As she walked past I noticed her body. How is it possible that a girl with such a beautiful face be blessed with such a perfect body? That takes skill"¦or luck, one of the two.

I begin to watch the way she walks. I watch the way her lightly colored hair bounces off her shoulders. Her every movement was poetry. So slow, so soft, yet, so ostentatious. Despite my perceptions of her personality, her perfection cluttered my mind; I knew I had to get to know this girl. I slowly approach her with every part of my body trembling. Trying to retain the nervousness in my voice, I ask her what her email address. EMAIL!!!? I asked for this girl's EMAIL ADDRESS? What in the heck was I thinking? Had I gone mad? I was the epidemy of a nerd right there. Much to my surprise she told me to get a pen and a piece of paper. I had no idea what she was thinking. Maybe she felt so incredibly bad for me that she thought that it would be best to humor me with her email address. None-the-less, I got what she asked for and she wrote down everything I wanted"¦her email. After this was all over I let out a great sigh of relief, however, hindsight is 20-20 and I would eventually come to think that this girl was deviant and only out to hurt me.

I got to know her as the weeks went by and things went rather well. However, her chronic indecisiveness did not go well with my curiosity and constant analysis. Asking her all the questions I could come up with, most of the time I got a cold I don't know.

Kissing her was not the greatest thing I ever felt, but it was good. Constantly worrying about what she thought I tried to break her indecisiveness with my strong forthcoming. That was a bad move on my part. She pulled out of the kiss. I took it as a sign and I knew then that my feelings meant nothing to her. As I gave her one last look straight into her eyes, I desperately hold onto my emotions. Finally I turn my back to her and walk away. I knew that it couldn't end this way. I turn around and look at her again. God, her eyes were beautiful. I remember thinking that she would be doing the world a great favor if she had never closed them. I knew she deserved someone much better than i right then. I turned around, got into my car, and left.

Even though she hadn't actually formally rejected me I couldn't help but to feel that way. After thinking about it I decided to leave this place behind. I felt I had nothing to offer anyone here so I left and moved to North Carolina.

I did figure out after a month of living down there that I had made a mistake, so I came back. I tried to once again with the girl, only to be rejected once again. What was I supposed to do about this? I snapped. After contemplating suicide, feeling I had nothing to offer the world, I eventually figured out that it was my own self-pity I was wallowing in. Letting go of the whole relationship thing with her was the best thing for me. I did want her in my life. So we decided to stay friends.

As friends do I asked this girl to go out with me and a friend and one of her friends. She said that she would go. Finally the day before the outing she said that she did not want to anymore. I said ok initially. Then I thought to myself, "Was I going to get pushed around my whole life?" Unfortunately I never saw any feeling in the girl so I figured my weak words would not even scratch the surface of her. Thinking it didn't matter what I said to her, I began a relentless assault of verbal abuse. I tried to stay away from derogatory comments. I'm sure a few slipped out.

Much to my surprise I had made the poor girl cry. What had I done? How could I do such a horrible thing? How could I do such a thing to such a fragile soul? After the many fights that followed she did the right thing by not talking to me anymore. I asked myself once again"¦what had I done.

Still not understanding why I did what I did, I am still burdening the consequence. I took a long hard look at myself and I knew I had to make some changes. All I really want is for this particular girl to know that I will wait for however long it will take for her to trust me again, if she ever does. I never really understood the saying, "You don't know what you have until you've lost it." I just recently realized how important a lesson that is.