Today I was thinking back into the past and of those days when I know I could have said something, done something, rearanged something different. But when I thought, all I seemed to find was regret. I regret what I've done and also what I haven't. I miss a lot of things, but in the same I want to forget that they were ever there. That pain inside that never goes away, keeps coming late at night, when everyone else is asleep, and I can do nothing about it. I can barely cry anymore, for those tears that want to come out, can't, for I have already cried them a thousand times again. Trying to be strong, while I am so very weak. Don't they know that I hurt too? The regret of forgetting, followed by the regret of remembering everything. Of growing up to fast, and not knowing how to be a child.
That catches up with you, when you all you hear is that voice from your past calling to you, with tear swelled eyes and a broken heart. The changes you wanted to run from, and you did. Those same changes you need to live, so you strive, you hurt, but where is the gain? Words of wisdom from those who ment so much to you, can be turned around to be those very words from which you shall never again want to hear. As I am growing older I seem to realise that I let things go without the thought of regret coming into my mind. I know I am young, but I also know that I am wise. I know the hurt that is out there and I know what can lie around the corner...though I may not know it to the strongest of degrees, I don't think I ever will, but I know I can understand. I can understand the pain and the hurt, and I can strugle to understand the happiness. Those who say that they need no one at all...I think they are wrong, for I've tried, maybe I just didn't try hard enough...but if I had choice I'd never take that road again...for I've tried to stay alone, to lock those doors to my heart, I swore that I would never let anyone in...I lied to myself...and at times I do regret that I never kept that vow to myself, but I also know that if I had, I would be more lost than I am today. I strive for the impossible, and I learn it. If someone says that something cannot be done, I try until I can't any longer. I refuse to let someone tell me something that they have no proof of. Like churches with there gods telling everyone there is a god out there and that if you belive then he is there, I haven't seen any proof...nothing at all. And those people who say that god came to them in a dream...then who is to say what god is, and what he can do...because think of those nightmares that those same people have had...can't they to be god...if in fact there is one? I know I don't know everything...but I try to find out, I can't stand people trying to tell me what I must be and what I must do...I am me...I do what I do. They can't be me, I shall never let them. A person once came to me and told me that not everyone runs, as I had came to beleive...I didn't beleive that person, so I gave them the tests that I could. I was prooven wrong. I try to thank person everyday, but the words just never come out right, or she just refuses to hear them. This person who has came to be the lone star in my once jet black sky, she changed my world around...and even though I still say I wish she had ran, I am glad that she didn't...my life I owe to her, and if choice is ever given, my life shall be paid for her. My best friend, the one who most would've thought to be the least likely canadate, who even I thought would be, was one who started to walk, never started to run, but when she got a few steps away, she turned and ran...but she ran backwards and came even closer then before. They say that people stay at a certain point in the mind and can't get any closer...but I, though not alone prooved the outsiders wrong yet again...for everytime I talk to my best friend...we add on to the world that we've created for each other to escape to...for I know when no one else can understand...She's there...and I am here...and even if one of us doesn't understand..we try as hard as we can...until we reach a breaking point. My life is a book...that could be written a million times again and each time it would different...because no one but me can write my life. Everday ends a chapter and every year another novel. A writer by heart, a writer by passion...to record my life is to record the unrecordable...which as most of those impossible things...I will do. And a reminder for you to keep to yourself...Look behind you and if you don't see me trailing behind, gathering the things you've overlooked...I'll be far ahead, capturing those things that are impossible to capture in the normal human mind, for I don't see them, I see through them.