If You Are Reading This You Have Too Much Time

Essay by PaperNerd ContributorHigh School, 12th grade December 2001

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f you are reading this, you have already missed the opportunity to see me in my shorts. While my sporting a loincloth is rather exhilarating, I find Spam sandwiches mildly appetizing. Speaking of Spam, I've noticed an uncontrollable urge to yodel building from deep within me. Yodel! Yes"¦yodel! Yodel, I say! Would the phrase "red Chinese car" be a double entendre? Oh, and what in the hell is Haiku. Up to this point there are no passive sentences on this page. Sometimes I lie awake at night and contemplate the nature of Man's insignificant place in the universe as a whole. Other times I just roll over and fart.

"¦And"¦now"¦for"¦something"¦completely"¦different"¦ You may have noticed the rather frequent use of ellipses. Well, there is a very good reason for it, and I'll tell you about it in this paragraph. That last sentence reminded me of Ronald Reagan ("Well"¦yes, but no.").

I think of Uncle Wilber Ray now and again. I used to laugh when he would go to town every Saturday night and spend all his money. But nobody laughed when he would come home with a whore. He really paid for it because she had hair on her back. She kept telling him that she was wearing a sweater. I tried to tell him the truth about his hair ravaged little whore, but something told me to keep my mouth shut. I think it was Uncle Wilber Ray when he said, "Hey"¦keep you mouth shut." He was completely enamored with her even though she was toothless. You wouldn't think 185 pounds of woman on a hot little 5'2'' body could be attractive in that grotesque troll sort of way. She was gorgeous! Different...but gorgeous. So now that I have fully explained the rather frequent use of the ellipses in the previous paragraph, you should be more enlightened.