Characters: Walter Nutbutter: He is a sexually frustrated store manager at a local QuikTrip gas station and convenience store located in an outer urban or central suburban location. Walter wants to make his life full and free of toil and frustration by a vicarious and unconscious attempt to fulfill his life through sexual cravings. This is his life's work and he equates sexual satisfaction with well-being and relaxation. He gets angry at his employees' adolescent emotions and incompetent performance. He is not a bad person, but he stews in his own juices (pardon the pun) trying to make every thing flow smoothly (another pun). He does not have good coping skills and has a short fuse when not appeased fully. He's also a dork interested in geeky things like comic books and chess.
Susie Nutbutter: She is Walter's wife. She doesn't understand Walter's anal retentive streak, voracious sexual appetites and odd requests.
She is secretly trying to become pregnant. Her logic is that a child will bring them together. Her real motivation is to get some control over Walter and have someone who loves her who does not whine and beg in bed. She is sweet, innocent and manipulative. She likes Walter, but does not respect him enough to be a devoted wife and lover.
Bobby Quickspurt: He is an unpopular teenage boy who works at Walter's QuikTrip. He talks very quickly and is easily upset. He is histrionic, but not so versatile in manipulation techniques to be a Borderline Personality. He is extremely histrionic and is quite flamboyant in his labile emotional expression. He is generally excitable in demeanor. He is always breaking, dropping or spilling QuikTrip supplies and merchandise. He is always pouting when customers notice his pathetic condition and become angry, or worse, find it cute and appropriately childish. Bobby wants to enter the realm of true adults through sex with his girlfriend, but this prospect is not as likely as he thinks. He is very much a child with a buoyant and resilient ego.
Woman: This member of the female sex is a real bitch and regular customer at QuikTrip. Everyone who works at QuikTrip likes to send Bobby over to deal with her outrageous and never ending complaints and constant anger. She is much like Kyle's mom on Comedy Central's South Park. She is like Dr. Laura when confronted with the case of a mentally retarded thirteen year old child who wants to get pregnant by her twenty-five year old heroine addict stepbrother. Every time a major accident is about to happen with her, usually because of Bobby's boobery and ineptitude, she has just been satisfied that the problem she is about to experience is "fixed."ÃÂ Boner in a Jam A man and a woman are in bed in a standard bedroom. The man is wearing a set of boxer shorts, below which lie a bright, red elastic thong. It is visible due to thinness of boxers. The woman is wearing a light blue night gown that comes down to 6"ÃÂ above the waist and is open in front. She is wearing sheer dark blue panties and bra. As the scene starts she is near sleep on the left side of the bed with her night stand lamp off. Walter is reading. Fade in from total black.
Walter: Susie [shaking her lightly, she is tired or asleep], Susie wake up! We've gotta try this. President Clinton uses this very position, or he does with Hillary! Its called the "piercing dragon."ÃÂ Susie: Are you reading that damn Kamma Sutra again? I told you, once a night is plenty! Let's keep it simple. Go to bed, and I'll see you in the morning.
Walter: OK, but I was just trying to have some fun.
Walter falls asleep quickly on his side of the bed. Susie is asleep on her side of the bed, lying on her side facing away from Walter. Snores are heard from both. The stage lights above the bed (and elsewhere if applicable) go dim smoothly and quickly. Walter quietly rises out of bed, walking up stage toward the audience, looking , still in his boxers. The follow spot focuses on him. fades to total black, relights with Walter wearing a QuikTrip manager's uniform. Could use identical twins and switch out during darkness Walter: God what am I doing up? Why do I always do this? Its humiliation in my sleep. Tempted and taunted with the odd and alluring. Why God, does it have to be me? I went to Catholic school. I read your books from time to time. Why do I have wet dreams at thirty-five? Is my marriage that boring? Lord! Hear my prayer. Can't you see what this frustration is doing to me? Its making me into the loser I was at seventeen. I've tried sex underneath the covers, and above them too. Why am I not happy? I get it as much as anyone I know. Fuck!!! I work at QuikTrip. All day long I "supervise"ÃÂ little high school shits teaching them not to sell beer and cigarettes to their fellow adolescents. Take Bobby, for instance. He is the worst! Christ! I am comparing myself to a histrionic clerk who is a Kevin Smith fan. He can't do anything right. If I hear one more line from "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back"ÃÂ... I'll go insane! Enter early adolescent boy, short and high pitched voice. Carrying a broom and sweeping things into a dust pan. This is from the fountain drink part of QuikTrip Bobby: Mister Nutbutter. [Walter looks away, 2nd time is louder to catch attention]., Mister Nutbutter! I found a rat in the sink? What should I do? Walter: Damn it Bobby! Do what I taught you. Put him in a plastic bag, like the ones used for donuts, and bury him deep in the dumpster. Teach him to wander into Walter Nutbutter's store. Christ I could kill all of them. Fuck! What am I doing here? A rat starts to scurry from off stage through the fountain drink area. Bobby pets it.
Bobby: SHIT! Fuck that hurt. Mister Nutbutter, the rat bit me! Walter: Bobby can you do anything right? Jesus Christ.
Bobby: You rang? Walter: Cut that out. I told your mother that you'd be home by ten. Its a school night. I am trying to train you to to be a great QuikTrip employee. Haven't you learned anything in the last six months? Bobby: I have a girlfriend now. She's hot! I love going to her house every weekend. We get along great! My life would be empty without her. She is my moon, stars and sun all in one. I love her profoundly. I hope I'm with her forever. She loves me and I won't go into the physical details! Ba da Boom, Ba da Bing! [two crotch thrusts in previous sentence, very suggestive and lusty.] I love her Mr. Nutbutter! I love her! Walter: You're too young for love... at your age its all about infatuation. Girls Girls Girls, Tits Tits Tits. Drool Drool Drool. GET BACK TO YOUR GODDAMN WORK WORK WORK! Bobby I want those soda machines spotless, and don't worry about the Mellow Yellow. Its still broken. Make sure the out of order sign in still there.
Walter Nutbutter is pacing the floor at QT. He hears a woman customer come in. He is very anxious indeed.
Woman: Do you have Mellow Yellow yet? Walter: No mam. I'm sorry. Somebody ruined that whole nozzle in the fountain. Would you like something else.
Woman: You don't have anything right here any more! Why did God put you in charge? Walter: Mam... [apologetically] I just got transferred from another store. Mister Schlitzlover, the old manager died about a month ago. We were all sorry to see him go and it will take some time to get this QuikTrip back up and running like a old times.
Spot illuminates the soda fountain. Bobby is messing with the Mellow Yellow section of the machine.
Bobby: Mr. Nutbutter! Mr. Nutbutter! The Mellow Yellow fountain is working again. [the customer woman walks over] Woman: Thank god! I've been thirsty all day for this. [tries it. Nozzle flies off and she is sprayed and drenched to the bone in soda] This is truly outrageous! Who's in charge here! [Bobby points to Walter Nutbutter, saying nothing, head tilted half down.] Walter: [to woman] I'm sorry mam. I'll have a few words for the clerk who "fixed"ÃÂ the machine. Your drink is free. [pause] [towards Bobby] Damnit Bobby, what have you done. This woman is furious! I don't care what you did or did not do. All I care about is you pleasing my customers so I don't get fired, are we clear?. Bobby you are going to have to be better at avoiding this SHIT! I've got a lot on my plate here, and I don't need to add you to the list. [muttering to self away from Bobby] Christ FUCKIN' IDIOT kids! Gaddamn.
Bobby: Mr. Nutbutter, have you seen a long thin screw. I took it out to fix the soda pump. Do you have it? Walter: [pointing to a drip pan filled partially with ice and soda overflow, with screw on top of ice pile.] Is that it? [pause] Well Bobby, IS THAT IT?.... I have had enough of this shit! Your fired! [Bobby leaves in tears, crying loudly, he shows guilt and shame.] Bobby: Fine! [Walks through door and away.] Curtain Professor Horne: The scene has two main types of feeling: anger and extreme frustration of Bobby's incompetence and adolescent personality, also the start of the scene has an intense amount of sexual frustration and unrequited and denied desire to have feelings for his wife expressed openly--sexually or not. Walter Nutbutter has a lot of disappointment and shame that he feels powerless over after always trying and never getting out of the rut that his life is paralyzed in.