No, actually it is very goodthe only bad points I see are:1) using "I"--it is said that "I" & "You" should not be used in professional writing,2) using opinion-phrases like "To me, etc"--in writing using those type of phrases is unnecessary because almost any kind of essay has your opinion in it and writing "To me, I firmly believe, etc" you are drawing attention to it and risking some people turning away your essay because they might be a little narrow-minded,3) Saying unnecessary transition words like "In conclusion," and the lack of transition words--try to use them more often because they make paragraphs flow smoothly4) using "This" at the beginning of a sentence--makes the essay look "un-professional" or "un-polished"--a suggestion would be to use "it" or restating from the before sentence and continuing.Otherwise, the essay is quite excellent. ^_^
- 06/02/2004
- 19:00:48
- Score: 3 out of 3 people found this comment useful.