Except for a few misspellings, this was an excellent essay, it was very engaging. You provided facts but also made them interesting by not presenting them like you would in a newspaper. Good job.
- 05/08/2002
- 22:28:59
- Score: 4 out of 4 people found this comment useful.
I understand your point in that we need to really spearhead conservation efforts. You could attempt to be a little more gentle toward your audience, for example, saying "Drilling in the Arctic Wildlife Refuge is insane" comes off as really harsh and can turn readers off of a paper.
- 05/08/2002
- 22:20:40
- Score: 4 out of 4 people found this comment useful.
This paper shows that you are attempting to think for yourself, no matter how much the school is attempting to stifle that with mass standardized testing. You do have to understand however, that standardized testing is an attempt by a state to get an idea of the current condition their education system is in. Granted, it has it's flaws (the test) and can be approached better.
- 05/08/2002
- 22:17:47
- Score: 3 out of 4 people found this comment useful.
You did a good job in researching your topic. You presented your opinion without coming off as "preachy." Keep up the good work.
- 05/08/2002
- 05:54:21
- Score: 6 out of 6 people found this comment useful.
You go into your topic well, but can go further with it. Do try, however, to take the "I"'s out of your paper. This shows a lack of thought to present the story.
- 05/08/2002
- 05:51:23
- Score: 7 out of 7 people found this comment useful.
The paper was good, overall. You could show us in the paper where you got your facts. For example, this Alonzo character, where did you get his story? To answer this question more than validates your paper.
- 05/08/2002
- 05:48:42
- Score: 5 out of 5 people found this comment useful.
You facts seem organized and thoroughly though out. You showed that racial profiling does exist because of certain differences among the races. Your paper served it purpose.
- 05/08/2002
- 05:45:15
- Score: 17 out of 17 people found this comment useful.
I see that you have strong feelings in the paper against abortion. You could present your opinion a little better that just telling us "Abortion is murder." Jst reading that made it seem like I was being preached to, not trying to be convinced. Try to be a little gentler on your audience.
- 05/08/2002
- 05:42:23
- Score: 2 out of 4 people found this comment useful.
This paper was far from engaging to read. Most of the time I read arguments for and against abortion, but in your paper all I could see was your opinion without having to actually read it. "I" glared at me from too many points in the paper. Restructure your sentences to fix this error. Never use "I" in a persuasive paper.
- 05/08/2002
- 05:39:27
- Score: 3 out of 3 people found this comment useful.
This eassay was written pretty well for a high school student. Try to get more concrete information and describe the graphiti art that is being argued against and trying to be saved. And one tip, when writing a persuasive essay, NEVER use "I". This makes the paper entirely too personal.
- 05/08/2002
- 05:36:54
- Score: 17 out of 17 people found this comment useful.
Good Job. Just like I was reading a textbook. Being a little interested in business this was very helpful. Keep up the good work.
- 05/08/2002
- 05:33:29
- Score: 6 out of 7 people found this comment useful.
You presented the facts very well. You also used your refernces at the right time to support points about Bundy. Keep up the good work.
- 05/08/2002
- 05:21:48
- Score: 9 out of 10 people found this comment useful.
Reading the essay was a little difficult in the fact that it did not keep me wanting to read more. The Beatles did make a signifigant impact on American music and society, but try to make the paper more engaging. Don't write like you are writing for a newspaper.
- 05/08/2002
- 05:18:40
- Score: 1 out of 2 people found this comment useful.
This paper supplied all the facts necessary to outline King's life. Written like a newspaper article, which is expected. The ending could use a little work.
- 05/08/2002
- 05:15:54
- Score: 1 out of 3 people found this comment useful.
This was a very informative essay with many valid points addressed. This paper does bring to mind arguments that I have had with theory and philosophy instructors in college. Excellent job.
- 05/08/2002
- 05:13:41
- Score: 4 out of 6 people found this comment useful.
While reading the essay, you used the word "I". Personally, this is highly frowned upon. To relate The Catcher in the Rye to today's world, you need to make it more objective, not using "I" "you" or "me."
- 29/07/2002
- 22:31:58
- Score: 1 out of 2 people found this comment useful.
Good job presenting the historical facts. Many were used giving a good base for the paper to speak. However, you needd to include America's perspective on the situation so that it can become a compare and contrast paper. This would serve your topic better.
- 09/07/2002
- 02:44:45
- Score: 6 out of 6 people found this comment useful.
This essay shows that you have been paying close attention to current events. I remember every detail in your paper vividly. Good job presenting the facts as they were.
- 09/07/2002
- 02:39:57
- Score: 5 out of 5 people found this comment useful.
This paper shows effort. Details were sought out that are not easily found. I give an A for the effort and an A+ for content.
- 09/07/2002
- 02:18:41
- Score: 5 out of 5 people found this comment useful.
Loved reading it. You had very vivid details throughout the paper, great reading!
- 09/07/2002
- 02:12:19
- Score: 5 out of 6 people found this comment useful.
This paper does get the point across that you do not agree with Truman's decision to use Nuclear Warfare against Japan. However, you do need to take out the "we's", and "I's". Remember, it is a persuasive essay. Get your point across without making it personal.
- 09/07/2002
- 02:09:57
- Score: 7 out of 7 people found this comment useful.
You seemed to get the facts in the paper, but you did not get which side of the issue you stand on. The title, "Should we have dropped the Atomic Bomb" suggests a persuasive essay, but there is clearly no argument.
- 09/07/2002
- 02:06:24
- Score: 5 out of 6 people found this comment useful.
I did a paper on this very topic myself. Try this writing tactic that seems to work well for me. Set an opening to the paper much like a story. Give the reader an image that will act as a hook for the rest of the paper. Make the reader WANT to read it.
- 09/07/2002
- 01:59:38
- Score: 5 out of 5 people found this comment useful.
Very well written. I only would make one suggestion. DON'T make references to YOUR OWN paper. That is a put off for readers. Try to reword those references at the beginning and the paper would be perfect.
- 02/07/2002
- 06:27:25
- Score: 6 out of 6 people found this comment useful.
This paper shows that the student researched the topic. The paper show organized thought and an outline. One suggestion though, do attempt to make the paper more engaging. Try to add some flare to the portrayal of Lee's life rather than make it sound like an obiturary.
- 02/07/2002
- 06:17:25
- Score: 4 out of 5 people found this comment useful.
This is a tough topic to argue. You did have a good idea of using quotes from various politicians on the issue, as they represent larger groups. You need to work the actual usage of those quotes throughout the paper. Instead of listing them, try to use them in the essay to support various points of view.
- 02/07/2002
- 06:07:47
- Score: 5 out of 5 people found this comment useful.
This essay was well written, but one thing needs to be avoided. You need to avoid pronoun references such as it, they, their, etc. Be specific. You need to think of your readers as dumb, but not stupid. Get you point across, and again, be specific with that point.
- 02/07/2002
- 06:03:46
- Score: 5 out of 5 people found this comment useful.
The opening paragraph is a little bit wordy. Try to change it some to make it sound more clear. For example, instead of "Ghandi was a great leader because" try, "reasons.... made Ghandi a great leader."
- 02/07/2002
- 05:55:00
- Score: 5 out of 5 people found this comment useful.
Loved the Essay. You really showed you know what you are talking about. Good structure and use of the language. I can't wait to see another from you.
- 02/07/2002
- 05:51:31
- Score: 13 out of 16 people found this comment useful.
Good grasp of the subject matter and great use of reference. Very well written.
- 02/07/2002
- 05:43:05
- Score: 13 out of 14 people found this comment useful.