City Slickers

Essay by Th3xTrUtHCollege, UndergraduateA-, December 2006

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Ya'll ain't gunna believe this stuff. The other day I wuz washing the mud off my pickup when some of them city folk pulled on up in me driveway. Now I reckon these folks wuz lost cause they wuz driving round looking at this colorful paper they called a map or somtin like that. Now when I say these people were lost I mean they ain't even know what a widjadidja pudder stump wuz. I don't reckon I've ever heard anything so funny. So I wuz just pondering to myself, maybe these city slickers could help me out. I had just started to put up my new barn an' I could use a hand so I told em I would help them out.

So I walked on up to their shiny car they wuz drivin in an' asked if they wuz lost. They said they were on vacation an' were looking for a motel or something like that.

I wasn't really payin attention so I don't remember exactly what they said or nothing but I'll tell you what, these folks were more lost than a hog runnin after its tail in the middle of a rodeo in Odessa. I figured I would be a nice feller an' let em stay in my loft. I asked em if they wanted to stay here an' they could figure out where they were tryin to go in the morning. I could tell they were just dying to see what a redneck man like me wuz doin livin in a nice place like this.

When we brought all of their big boxes of presents inside I said, "You didn't bring a gun widjadidja?" He gave me a weird lookin face an' said, "No why?" I said, "I's just wonderin. Jeet yet?" And again he gave me a weird lookin face an' said, "What the hell did you just say to me?" I replied, "Jeet yet?" He looked both confused an' nutty til I told him wut it meant. So he told me that he an' his purdy lil gal hadn't had nothing all day and were famished so after we moved all they presents into the house I went an' washed up for supper. As we sat down to eat our guests walked in an' sat down. I said, "You bose to wash your hands 'fore supper." Theys just looked at each other an' got up to wash they hands before they aksed where the bathroom was. I told 'em they had to go down to the lake to wash up cause out here in the country we ain't got no bathrooms or whatever they was talkin bout.

Now when these folks got back I told them I had them a lil story I wonted to tells em. Twas bout are outhouse. But for I told em the story I had to fill um in on what an outhouse wuz cause they aint never heard of em. I started by telling, "Outhouses came in all sizes, shapes an' colors, an' a whole lot of different designs. Some were single seaters, for solo jobs; some had two seats, for joint efforts, an' some, like Aunt Nellie's boardin' house, had three holes; fer emergencies such as Thanksgivin', Christmas, an' ever' other Friday when she served pinto beans with hot peppers an' onions." I went on and on an' theys wuz getting real intrested so I just kept on talking all night. "In our time these little shanties were used for a whole buncha things that didn't have a lot to do with their essential purpose of design. Most of the time ours would have one or more of its wooden sides covered by the boat-bottom shapes of gran'pappy's fresh catches from the riverbed. An' since the outhouse was the closest buildin to the river, it wuz the purfect spot to store the fishin gear, which could be cleaned an' fixed from a very comfortable sittin' position. It also had a collection of worn-out woodworkin tools, a stack of magazines, a pile of retired bed clothes, which came in handy on those nippy winter mornins, an' a pile of corn cobs." Now let me tell you somthin, when I wuz dun with my story I figured them city folks were ready fer bed but they wuz begging me to tell them more. So I just went right along with the rest of the story.

I said, "Now its a fact that many people put all this junk into that hassled little buildin to try to camouflage its purpose. Usually this wuz dun by families plagued by occasional visits from some fancy city-slicker who'd left the country years before but had to return ever once in uh while to remind himself of what he'd been missin. That way, he could get up enough guts to face another few months in the city. If the feller stayed to long though, the camouflage attempt would certainly be defeated cause even city boys gotta go sometime."

As my porta potty story ended I seen that thur was no one left in the room so I figured I would just git er done and go to bed. As I headed to the bedroom I passed are city folk guests and told em I would help em find their way to their motel or thing in the mornin after they helped me with my barn. They said they really preciated evthing an' would be out in the mornin. I said, "Night, don't let the bedbugs bite," as I walked to the single seater fore I hit the sack.