Kingshaw's feelings in Susan Hill's I'm the king of the castle

Essay by adellybearHigh School, 11th gradeA-, February 2008

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July 2ndDear diary,Hooper came back from the hospital today. I can’t believe time flew by so fast when I was alone in the house. I was OK then. But now he is back and everything is back to normal… And normal is terrible for me. He noticed I had taken his puzzle. How did he, I don’t have a clue, I put it back in the exact same spot! But he knew. Hooper always knows everything that goes on in this bloody house. Even when he’s away, he knows. Mom told me to spend time with him because he is stuck in bed, she didn’t let me go out. She forced me to stay in his room. And I don’t want to be with him! He hates me. He hates me even more than he used to (I didn’t know it was possible.). I tried to tell mom that, but she didn’t believe me.

I have this strange feeling like she doesn’t want to listen to me anymore. She keeps spoiling Hooper instead of taking care of me. She never gives me presents anymore, she ignores me now. It’s always about Hooper, Hooper, Hooper. She’s always nice to him, and to Mr Hooper, and she thinks that I should be the same. It should not be that way, it’s my mom, mine. And soon I will have to go to school with Hooper, they keep talking about it now, they tell me that I must do very well there, and that I’m going to be happy, but I know I won’t. I want to go back to St Vincent’s, Hooper’s school will be even worse than here, all of Hooper’s friends will make fun of me and I will hate it. Why did Hooper have to come back? I wish he DIED when he fell off that stupid castle! I wish he was DEAD so he could not bother me anymore!…I can’t believe I’ve just written this. But I’ve never hated someone so much before. Today I told him that he did not frighten me, I tried to prove him that I was not scared, but it didn’t work, because it’s not true. I am scared. I keep getting more and more scared. He told me to wait, that something will happen to me. I know he is not all talk. Something is going to happen. I try telling myself that things can’t get any worse but they will. I can’t take it anymore. I had to act like I wanted ice cream, so I could go out. I don’t like lying to my mom, but they all seem to be against me now that Hooper is back. I wanted to see Fielding. Fielding’s my friend, he is nice and he is not scared of Hooper. He is not scared of stupid moths and crows. If I were more like him, Hooper would leave me alone. But I’m not. Maybe Hooper’s right, maybe I’m just a scaredy baby who can’t do anything by himself. I hate having nowhere else to live but Warings.

The worst thing happened at the end of the day. I walked into Hooper’s room and he was playing with MY silver cardboard model. My mom gave it to him. I am so mad, I spent so much time on this model, I locked myself in the little room for hours until it finally worked. And now it’s perfect, and it’s mine. He thinks everything is his, but this cardboard is not, and he is not to have anything of mine. I told my mom that, and instead of giving it back to me she said that she was upset with me, she looked at me like I was very selfish. So I went back upstairs and tried to get my model back, and Hooper threw it on the floor, and it broke. My favorite silver cardboard model broke in half, and Hooper laughed. And then my mom told me that I should be ashamed of myself. I couldn’t believe how unfair it was. I did not do anything. Everything is unfair. I hate my life, I hate it more and more every day, I wish all of the bad things could just stop.