Letter to Lance. An essay on Lance Armstrong's book, Lance Armstrong: Every Seond Counts

Ok well, I read your story and to be totally honest with you, which I will (that's one of my flaws) your "letter" to Lancy needs a little more emotion, more literary language, and needs a little more creativity in the way you compose your letter. Let me explain it thoroughly.

I'll start with your first paragraph. The first sentence, I think towards the end of it and I quote "I just finished reading your book Every Second Counts, and I loved every second of it" it gets kind of awkward. When you talk about books you would usually say I enjoyed every page I read, or something else that would make reference to the book but not the time as in your case. As a reader I thought that didn't sound too good so I would change that around a little bit. HOpe you are not hating on me by now, cuz if so then you are going to really really dispise me towards the end of this criticism.

Also the second sentence of your introductory paragraph you say "Your books are so inspirational and so moving that every time I put down your book..." First I think you are overusing the word BOOK too much. Just try to compose the sentence in such a way that it will sound a little different but still maintain the same meaning. Not only that, but the switch you make from plural to singular tense gets awkward, if you know what I mean.

As I read along, I realized that what you are doing with your letter is basically telling the person, in this case, Lancy (i hope i'm not misspelling the name) everything he has done. In my opinion, he knows what he has done throughout his life. What you should focus more is how that has inspired you and what has changed in your life because of his lifetime. You tend to list every event that has happened to him. I'd rather write something like "The obstacles and sufferings you have experienced throughout your lifetime has inspired me greatly, realizing how great of a person you are, not giving up at any time. That makes me reconsider my position in life, and gives me power and energy to never give up and try my best to succeed and achieve the goals I have set to myself" You might totally hate my sentence but I'm just giving you an example how you should let Lancy know what impact he has had on you. Your letter would rather make him cry because you are highlighting that he is sick and soon will die, and you wouldn't want to do that. You'd rather make him feel better and useful since he has changed your life for better.

Also, when it comes to the grammar of this essay, watch out for those commas. I noticed that in some places you use the comma instead of the period, and that's when the sentence loses its influence on the sentence and on the reader. Also, make sure you use appropriate language when you write an essay. If your purpose was to add a little sense of humor to your essay find another way to do so other than saying "one hell of a role model". That doesn't sound too intelligent. I'd rather say a joke, or relate a funny experience from my life with his life, or something similar.

Well I don't want you to think that your essay is a total joke and you should throw it out. That's totally "stupid" to think but instead I'd recommend you to use these advices next time you write an essay, or just go back to this essay and try to consider this person one of your friends. It will be easier to reveal the real you then just list some things from his life. Don't get me wrong, your essay is pretty good! Don't think that I write awesome essays either, trust me. I get A- and B+ sometimes, but that's just a lesson that I learn everytime I do get one. Also, you might not believe this but English is not even my native language. I learned it two years ago when I moved to America. So anything is possible!

Good luck and if you want to I can give another look at your "new" essay if you decide to revise it! Just let me know!

~eggy~