I Will Never Marry

Essay by PaperNerd ContributorCollege, Undergraduate February 2002

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        Contrary to my popular belief, I doubt I'll ever find true love. I think I have         very valid reasoning. I've never met a women who wasn't 'looking for a guy'         and didn't care what kind she got.

        Sure, I've had people tell me "You're just too picky", but we're talking         the rest of your life - that should allow some choosiness.

I've heard that girls plan their wedding from about age eight - I never even thought about it, not once, no images of doves and flowers and dressing my friends up like penguins. When people would ask,         I used to tell them I was going to be married by an Elvis impersonator in Vegas.

                For my computer wallpaper I have a repeated image of Albert Einstein with a pencil and a notebook, if somebody asks that man with the funny hair is, the conversation         is over.

        Futurama is serious television.

I don't buy roses.

I almost hate them because I'm supposed to buy them. Why not find out what kind of flowers she likes, rather than giving her a generic dozen roses? I don't eat ice cream when I've had a hard day. If I've had a really rough day I'll play Doom.

I don't even like ice cream. I don't like chocolate either.

        Star Wars is just Shakespeare in space.

It's a girls obligation in public to a) hold my hand, b) talk to me c) walk beside me.

        I don't expect anyone to read my mind. I don't ask baited questions. I'm often misunderstood because some girl's trying to find the bait in a simple question.

        I like people who can admit they don't know something far better than those who pretend they do. However, if I ask someone their opinion they should have one. Nothing worse than the poor sots who continually say "Um ...I don't...