Regret-not apologizing to my cousin for a fight as a child and she passed away at a young age- "My Barbies"

Essay by ThinkinonlyboutuCollege, Undergraduate May 2007

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"Where can I find Ronit?" I thought to myself. I looked around the house-I couldn't find her. Little did I know that she situated herself in my room, playing with my Barbies, just like I gave her permission to do. My cousin always asked me about playing with my toys. She knew how upset and protective I would get about my Barbies. After all, my uncles gave me one every year for my birthday. This one time I completely forgot I gave her the go-ahead to play away as she desired, since she didn't have any Barbies of her own.

As I continued to look for her, I noticed my room light on. My first reaction-oh my G-d, how could she? In disbelief I ran to my room and asked why she hadn't asked permission. Furiously, I raised my voice at her continuing to wonder. I didn't even give her the chance to explain.

She just became upset and remained quiet. At that time, I felt angry, disappointed, and betrayed.

Ronit then went to her mom and quietly sat for the rest of the night. I stayed in my room and played with my Barbies and tried to forget about what happened. The only problem- I couldn't forget. I kept thinking about how disappointed I felt. Until it hit me, and hit me hard. I did allow her to play and have fun, she did ask me. At that moment I felt like shit. I felt guilty for yelling at her, and feeling mad at her. I showed myself as such a bad cousin. Suddenly, I became the one who disappointed and betrayed her. At that point I faced yet another problem- how could I go to her and apologize. I felt completely embarrassed. I became so shy that I just hid in my room the rest of the night, too afraid to face my cousin and tell her the truth.

How much I regret so many things from that night. I never apologized. I also never told anyone this story, until about a year ago. I finally opened up and told one of my friends. And I wanted to apologize, but it became too late. She passed away on April 15, 2004. I became too concerned with my pride and my ego to ever show fault. Although I believe that she can still hear me apologize, I just wish I could see her face when I did apologize.