How To Start Your Own Religeous Cult

How to start your own: Religious cult Have you ever wanted to start one of those cool UFO/Satan worshipping style cults like the ones you see on T.V? If so, then this is your big chance to get into the exciting world of cults. Being a cult leader can be a very rewarding career but I must warn that it is not all fun. Sometimes people will try to kill you, and you may have to participate in mass suicide but at least it is nothing serious. Some personal qualities that are required to be a cult leader include: · Ability to communicate · Creative · Good sense of humour · Willingness to participate · Sales and Marketing experience may also be necessary.

First of all, to start your cult you need to have a really cool name. Something with the word "˜clan' in it is usually good, for example "˜The Death Clan' would be a good name.

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But don't let this limit your creativity; the possibilities for names are endless. A definite no-no when choosing a name would be "˜Cults R us' simply because of the happiness factor involved. Lastly, when deciding on names try to keep them simple, evil and catchy.

One of the most important things when starting a cult is thinking of something to worship or follow. Things like death and violence are always a good start but again, don't let this limit your imagination, possibilities can range from toilet bowls to tractor hubcaps. Another good idea would be to worship a giant goat or hamster, which can lead to exciting activities such as sacrifice. Although sacrifice may be fun it is very messy and I cannot stress how important it is when participating, not to run while handling knives or other sharp protruding devices.

Next, you need some followers. People with a violent criminal history such as serial killers are always good followers but for beginner cult leaders, your little brother or sister will do. Most people are relatively easy to convince just by word of mouth but sometimes other techniques are required. One technique that is quite effective is door knocking, proven and perfected by the Mormons. But before attempting this technique make sure that they don't have a dog, the place you are at isn't a church (unless you are good enough) and that you have plenty of booklets, pamphlets and other written material to swamp your unsuspecting victim with. Don't be discouraged by door slamming and people yelling obscenities. If this happens simply come back the next week, but this time leave a jack-o-lantern on their doorstep with a knife in the side and a note that says "˜You!', ring the doorbell and run off.

Lastly, when referring to your people, make sure you refer to them as followers and not as helpless victims.

Now that you have some followers and are worshipping something, you need somewhere to house your activities. It doesn't really matter where, but try to keep it somewhere secretive and hard to access. Because the last thing you want during a mass suicide ritual or sacrifice late at night is the cops and/or RSPCA to rudely interrupt and/or want to join in with your activities (how dare they!). But if they do just remember that even though you may be in an evil cult, it is still important to be neighbourly and offer them some refreshments (poison preferably) but if they aren't welcome I suppose it would be OK just to kill them. Personally I prefer to kill my victims by means of crucifixion, because as a kid I always liked woodwork and this method gives me a chance to touch up on my skills as well as dispose of unwanted guests.

By now your cult should be running fairly smoothly with your dark rituals and sacrifices occurring on a weekly basis. But there is still one thing you need to do to become a true cult leader. That is of course, to actually participate in a mass suicide (or similar) ritual. This time you won't just watch and get everybody's money at the end, you will actually have to die this time and not fake it like all the other times.

But before you go rushing off for your poison, plastic bags and knives, be sure to contact the local media. This event is the highpoint (and also the end) of any cult leaders career and you want to make sure that everyone in the world sees it. Many cult leaders have made the mistake of not telling anyone about their "˜plans' and these are the cults you don't ever hear about. But you want your cult to be dynamic, well-known and famous right? Well then, just follow some simple guidelines that I will list below.

1) Organise a place: Usually your cult headquarters will do, but try to make it exotic by maybe doing it during mid flight on a plane or even at your local retirement home. Personally, I enjoy committing suicide at my local department store by replacing a mannequin with my body although sometimes it may take a while for people to figure it out (usually when you start to get smelly).

2) Organise a time: Dates when passing comets arrive and eclipses can be quite effective but make sure the time is suitable according to the place you are at. For example: if you are at the retirement home (as stated in step 1) make it during meal times because I bet that would really put those oldies off their dinner.

3) Contact the media: I cannot stress how important this step is, make sure to follow these instructions very carefully. Without this step, your cult will just fade away after a few months and it is more than likely that your cult and more importantly, you will never be heard of again. If you want your cult to be famous, somebody has to be there to see the aftermath. It is also important when telling the media your dates and places for your "˜plans' that you are very vague when telling them because the last thing you want during your special moment is those rude journalists coming in wanting to interview you.

4) Determine the means in which you will die: This step while not as important as the previous one is still very important. If you stuff this step up you will stuff the whole thing up. When figuring out "˜the means' try to make it really weird, and make sure it involves a lot of poison, knives and you could even use teletubby toys to add to the obscurity.

5) Die: By now you should have contacted the media, organised a place and time, and also figured out how you are going to die. This step can be hard for beginner cults leaders due to lack of experience but if you have everything organised it should be relatively easy.

See you in the next world...

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