Chapter 1
Jess slumped into her seat. It was only five minutes and twenty-five seconds till the summer holidays and she couldn't wait. She would be going to Europe in the holidays with her Dad and was excited at seeing him again.
Her parents were divorced and her mother barely ever mentioned her father. Jess was going to see her father for the first time in three years.
Jess jumped up when the bell rang to signal that it was the end of school. She hugged her best friend Claire and took off.
When she arrived at home that day her mother sounded quieter than usual. "Ma. What's wrong?"
"Nothing. I've just had a long day!"
Jess turned to go upstairs to her room when she caught something out of the corner of her eye. "Mum, are you drinking milk?"
"Huh? Oh yes. Why?"
"But you are allergic to it!"
"Umm. The doctor said that I could start drinking it now."
Jess did not believe her though. Something was going on and she wanted to find out. She went upstairs and planned on ringing her Dad to see what he was doing. Then the phone rang.
Jess picked up the phone, startled, "Hello." She said. There was no reply.
"Hello, anybody there?"
"All she could here was a harsh breathing sound. Jess shivered and was about to hang up when she heard a voice threaten, "You'll - leave - if you know - what is good for you." The person then hung up.
Jess was scared out of her wits and her first instinct was to call Claire when she suddenly found that she had trouble breathing.
It felt as if something was choking her and closing its hand around her neck - squeezing her breath out of her. Her...
Summer Terror
Your first chapter got off to a quick and effective start with a concise treatment of setting. Your use of dialogue was realistic. Chapter 1 ended with a note of mystery which led nicely into Chapter 2. The intriguing questions which end the second chapter impel the reader on to Chapter 3. The third chapter left the door open to more chapters with which you can add more layers of mystery or simply resolve what you've begun. You obviously have a talent for creative writing and I look forward to reading more of your work. Nice job!
16 out of 16 people found this comment useful.