You begin your essay with a clear description of who Rene Descartes is, and then you proceed to explain his philosophical theories, which are certainly recondite, limpidly and simply so that even those with limited philosophical knowledge can understand his tenets and,hopefully, expound upon the overview that you give them by doing their own research. After successfully recapitulating the theories in the body of your paper, you do a wonderful job of analysis and synthesis as you look at them slowly and carefully, pointing out the flaws (such as circular reasoning, etc.) that exist. The only problem that I see in the essay is that you switch from writing in the third person (which is typically used for acadmeic essays) to the first person, as you speak from a personal point of view during your argument. You should not make that change, bringing yourself to the forefront, but continue to generalize by speaking from the third person (the thing or person being spoken about.) Here is an example altering one of your sentences : Instead of "The problem I find in his distinct and clear theory is Descarte's proof of God's existence." First of all, in that sentence, you do not have to even state Descarte's name. It is tautological. You already used the antecedent "he" which takes the place of Descartes. You could have just taken Descartes out of the sentence and it would have made sense. At any rate, the important thing is to change the structure of the sentence from first to third person. Here it goes: The problem in Descarte's distinct and clear theory is proof of God's existence." When you do this, you make it seem that the problem is "categorical", that is to say, it cannot be disputed- THERE IS A PROBLEM, and THERE IS NO DENYING IT. When you use "I", you lose credibility because you are not an expert, and the reader assumes that you are the only one questioning Descarte's ideologies and nobody else.Those are just a few of my remarks about the paper. I hope they are of assistance to you. The paper, overall, is excellent, especially for your educational level.You show a lot of promise. Read copiously and write often, and you will write extremely competently one day.P.S. Do not worry about people who rate your essays poorly and refuse to leave comments. They are just being spiteful. They do not understand what constitutes good writing or bad writing, so they do not say anything for fear that their ignorance will be exposed. Your teachers' comments should take precedence over those of anonymous adolescents. They are the experts. If you want to be able to competently adjudicate your own papers, so that you can ascertain the validity of others' responses to your writing,it is important that you start reading books teaching you the multifarious criteria that constitute good writing so that you can make the progression from the theoretical to the empirical, and also detect problem areas in your writing and others' writing with consummate ease. Hope to hear from you soon.
- 22/11/2002
- 16:45:19
- Score: 23 out of 25 people found this comment useful.
I understand the frustration that you must feel when adults treat you condescendingly, making stereotypical generalizations about your maturity level, your intellectual capabilities, your work ethic, your aggregate knowledge, your morality, or about other things that they cannot ascertain without knowing who you are. Adults need to take an objective look at teeenagers as individuals, instead of lumping them into a species of ignoramuses. When adults make judgments about teenagers based upon preconceived notions of what they think teenagers are actually like, it shows that they are the ones who are narrow minded, and that the teenagers themselves probably have more sense than they do. Just be confident that YOU understand what your capabilities are, and do not worry what people who are unwilling to understand what you are REALLY like have to say. You seem like a nice girl. Keep up the writing. You show a lot of talent.
- 02/11/2002
- 22:07:48
- Score: 7 out of 12 people found this comment useful.