I thought the overall story was good, but you might want to look at rearranging a few of your sentences to improve the structure. Don't try and fit too much info into one sentence or it starts to sound too cluttered -start a new one. As it has already been pointed out, it is a little melodramatic, but sometimes that is the effect that is trying to be achieved. In that case, choose your words very carefully. I don't want to sound critical, but you did ask for advice! :) So if you just work on a few aspects, you could have it perfect. A great effort! Good luck and keep trying! :)
- 15/08/2003
- 17:25:32
- Score: 2 out of 3 people found this comment useful.
I love this one! It's creatively written, keeping readers hooked from the first line to the very last. I like the fact that it's not long-winded, with just a perfect amount of detail (especially considering you are recollecting an event you have no recollection of :) ) A pleasant read.
- 13/08/2003
- 03:07:54
- Score: 2 out of 2 people found this comment useful.
You managed to produce an informative account whilst keeping in newspaper article form, which I know is not always as easy at it sounds. Good work! :)
- 07/08/2003
- 01:35:55
- Score: 4 out of 5 people found this comment useful.
It would have been interesting to read some expansions on your points as they sounded rather logical and quite intriguing. As your personal experience emphasised the confidence point, some more examples would have likewise supported other points.For the length it was a good essay!
- 12/05/2003
- 08:53:52
- Score: 8 out of 8 people found this comment useful.
A very interesting subject to research and write about, isn't it? A well written essay with good strong facts. Good work! :)
- 07/05/2003
- 03:16:31
- Score: 4 out of 4 people found this comment useful.
A well written essay! Introduction is enticing. The metaphors scattered throughout are a nice touch that keep the reader interested and the imagination working over-time. :)
- 14/04/2003
- 23:34:14
- Score: 2 out of 3 people found this comment useful.
Having also written an essay on this subject, I can understand the controversy of the topic. The author handled it well, presenting all sides of the argument with a very well written paper. My personal study also revealed these conclusions.
- 11/04/2003
- 23:01:01
- Score: 10 out of 10 people found this comment useful.
Thoroughly researched with main points covered very well.
- 11/04/2003
- 22:00:52
- Score: 7 out of 8 people found this comment useful.
Interesting piece with valid points
- 11/04/2003
- 21:57:12
- Score: 6 out of 6 people found this comment useful.
well written -the time you spent on this paper was evident and fruiful :)
- 11/04/2003
- 04:41:31
- Score: 21 out of 21 people found this comment useful.