Today, I finally, made my decision. For a full confidence, I did make-up, dressed up in all black and elegant (lady-vamp style). Check it out, baby! Everything is perfectly fine, even the pinky on my feet. You won't find a single flaw with your hungry look. And this perfection gives me a right to say anything I want, convince in my doubtless rightness. And, in my whole image there is a magic mystery that will scatter any doubt and will make believe my every word.
You are coming at 10pm. You don't know anything yet. You are smiling. You are asking if I liked your gift. I quietly and indifferently answer "yes". My tone is indescribable. Its meaning is clear and understandable anyways. "You, and everybody, must pay attention to me. Because me is me!" I know that you love me. I know that you won't survive without me. I know that you idolize me.
Stained glass at St John the Baptist's Anglican Ch...
Happiness mind-map
HappinessAnd also, I know that I made all that up, got together, and realized in life. And all by myself. I guess it gives me a full right to manipulate and influence him. Some kind of experiment.
We are going to a restaurant. A fancy one, though. Then we are going to the same kind of a club. Then...Then we are driving around the night city. Look at shining stars, Christmas decorations...Then we are kissing. Then you get down and do your magic...there...Saying that you love to kiss me...I don't listen. What do I care? Then there's a holy time for a cigarette. The one, incredibly desirable, the one that is after a sensitive game of bodies. Smoked.
Now it's time. The happy moment that you can't miss. I make a serious, thoughtful face. Look at the stars.
-What are you thinking of?-you're asking.
I knew that you were gonna say that.
-Nothing.
-Don't lie. Tell me. You turn around and try to catch my look.
-Really, nothing, -I cant stand a pause and say. - But, I don't know how to put that in words.
-Give it a try, -you are taking my hand in yours.
-You know, sometimes you go and go, and then stop for a moment, enjoy your happiness, have everything...And then lose everything and go on, but can't seem to forget what has happened anymore...See, I can't.
-I understand, I know what you mean. You are like that...The one, like you, I won't find anymore once I lose you.
-Won't find. And no matter what happens, I know you will love me. If you get married, if you are happy....It's all water, so it will flow away. And you will go back to your thoughts about me. But I won't be around anymore. You will try to find an escape in women, alcohol, maybe drugs. Doesn't matter. I just did to you whatever I wanted to, whatever I felt like. You are mine. For quite a while, actually, but you realized it only now.
-So what are you saying? -you're asking carefully.
-Nothing, -like nothing happened I reply, and, taking my purse, open the door of a car. -Bye.
You are worried. You are shocked. You are running after me. Usually I would say that running is only an invitation for chasing. But not in this case. And me...I am in my own world. I don't hear your cries or asking to come back and explain everything. I DON'T WANT TO ! Respect, my dear, my desires. I am a mystery. I am a puzzle. And maybe, just a bitch, because I refuse to be happy. Whatever. I don't give a damn. I am fully satisfied. A warm, delightful feeling is suffusing in my body. Maybe, I am just a pervert.
Coming home, I make a mark in my long list. Most likely I am gonna break down in tears. In the first time. Because you were the only one who I really loved. Maybe that's why I dumped you. I don't deserve such happiness. And you deserve more than a bitchy, cheating woman, even a pretty one...You are the first who I wanted to call "my little baby" and kiss in the forehead. I got so attached to you physically for these 9 months and so are my thoughts, that never left my head for all these 3 years. You learned me how to love and be loved. You became my universe, my everything...
Why am I dumping you? Where am I running? Where? Oh, right, that is me, which is "me"...The one, who cant let herself anyone, no matter who that is, come too close to my heart's territory, because then I become weak. No, I cannot let this happen. I got used to take everything under my control. I got used to leaving, don't look back, and get revenge, revenge, revenge...Not knowing whom to and what for. Now it turns out, that to myself. Oh well, I am just like that.
I am sitting in a dark cold room, on the same cold couch, drinking a disgusting cold coffee with a liquor and smoking. I am looking at the rays of light on the wall. These are cars' headlights, passing by. People are going somewhere, having fun, laughing. And maybe, they feel lost, rejected, and unhappy. Maybe someone lost something very important and is sad... But what do I care? I am always happy, with a glowing smile, jumping in expensive cars, running to fancy cocktail parties... I am like that, feeling like I'm dead already. Sitting like a freaking idiot and, staring at the wall, crying. What the hell is wrong with me? Turn on the light, look at the mirror, with a complete disgust turn away, seeing my red-blue-pink mess on a tear-stained ugly mug. Turn off the light and go back to my place to finish my cold disgusting coffee.
-Vera! Stop! Wake up! Everything's ok! It's for your own good, you wanted it..., -I tell myself, and slightly slap my face. But this kind of therapy makes me cry even more. I grow hysterical and with a horror think that tomorrow will be a morning, an afternoon, and night-all without him, my baby.
They say that all those bugs in our heads are the echoes of childhood or teenage fears or fiascos. Probably. I was 14 when I first fell in love, for the first time was happy and for this first time experienced in my own skin what is the betrayal of a loved one. I spent the whole night crying, and in the morning I made a promise to myself that I will become the most beautiful, educated, desirable and I will get my revenge. I got my revenge, began to enjoy the scenario, repeating more often, and which eventually became my lifestyle. During that time, I've seen a lot, tried to take everything from people, and when I finally had no more interest towards a person whatsoever, I'd dump him. Not without a pride I must confess that most of my fans have no negativity towards anything and still take prestigious positions as faithful fans today. It took a lot of patience to turn a quite simple looking girl into a heartbreakingly beautiful woman. I was studying men like lab frogs or rats to understand their ideal of a perfect woman. My mistakes you can count on my hand's fingers. However, those were just hopeless and offended people. With my baby it was different I would have to say. All those months I was making and creating an ideal out of him. Got him a taste for art, reading, beautiful things...I chose a right road for him, taught him to appreciate little things and respect one's opinion, not be ashamed of your own and just simply love the life the way it is. I was teaching him clever thoughts, famous quotes, talked a lot about the purpose of life, human's principles. ...Jesus Christ! I made him believe in my innocence and idolize everything that had to do with me in any way! Is another woman going to use and enjoy it all?!
-That's it! Shut up! -command myself. -Nothing has happened! Go to sleep, and tomorrow we will make other goals to achieve....
I am slowly walking into the bathroom. There's a vibrating cell phone in my hand. It's still ringing. Probably, he is very hurt. Nice! It's better for him that he doesn't know who I am. Good guys are not supposed to be with those like me. I am washing my face, put on a warm black pyjamas and get my cell phone under the pillow. "Should I answer?..." With a speed of light pasts a possible scenario of s conversation: tears, sobs, confessions, again tears, promises...
-Hell no, -I tell myself sleepy. -I am like that...