As is well known, one of the most widely used illegal drugs in America is Marijuana. 70 million Americans over the age of 12 have used this horrible drug. More importantly, half of all youth under the age of 18 have smoked marijuana.
Aside from the fact that smoking "the reefer" probably won't cause painful (or painless, for that matter) death to its users, it is a likely cause of a few high school dropouts, some thefts, mild laziness, sleeping in school, partying, having fun, sleeping in beds at night, and acting completely normal and socially acceptably in their daily lives. It is suffice to say that marijuana use among minors is very dangerous to America.
I am proposing a solution to the problem of marijuana use. In order to stop someone from doing one thing, you must present them with another choice. This other choice will be timely and cost effective.
This modest proposal is: free government handouts of tobacco products to minors. This new program, which is to be made mandatory under law in all fifty states, will quickly solve our problems. A tobacco distribution stand will be built in front of the main entrance of every public school (elementary through high school). Cigarettes will be handed out, free of charge, and no record will be taken of the consumer.
Once someone under the age of eighteen spends a majority of their day smoking tobacco, they won't have time to smoke "the green" anymore. They will easily make the move from marijuana to tobacco because "cancer sticks" give the user a kind of "need" to smoke again, whereas marijuana has been proven to do nothing of the sort, which is why it is so harmful to America.
Because of this proposal, the youth of America will no longer...