Essay by PaperNerd ContributorCollege, Undergraduate September 2001

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One of the toughest times of my life started October 27 of last year and is just now ending. I had always thought of myself as a strong person until my boyfriend and first love, Daniel Langley, broke up with me. I went to pieces. I had never felt so hurt and abandon, not even when my parents divorced and my dad moved away from me. My grades dropped in every class but I never said a word to anyone.

My friends were the first ones to notice that I was not handling things very well anymore.

Every little thing made me cry. If anyone even mentioned Daniel's name I would run away and cry for 10 minutes. My sister was the next. My sister, Tara, and I are very close. I guess you could say that she is my hero. She wanted to put me into counseling but I refused.

She was the first one to realize that I was depressed and that I had lost a lot of weight.

Not that I did it on purpose but I just kind of forgot to eat. Even during the holidays I was just, never hungry. I was also quite all the time which is very unusual because I am never quite especially around my sister. I slept all the time and was still tired most of the day. I just wanted to die and go to heaven where every thing is perfect and there is no pain only overflowing joy. The more I thought about that the most I lost faith in God.

I have been a strong Christian since about 6th grade but, I could not understand how God could let so much pain come to his faithful little servant. I asked my youth pastor why there is unbearable pain brought upon God's children and he could not give me an answer that pleased me. I had always thought that God would protect me from harm. Most importantly I thought that God would never put you through anything you could not handle. I strongly believed that I could not handle my life at this point. Not only had my heart been broken beyond repair and my God abandon me, visa versa in reality, but my mom and I fought almost every day and there was the threat of loosing our home.

After I had decided that there must be no God at all things got worse, and I looked to friends for comfort. The thing with my "friends" is that they were Daniel's friends that I had adopted as my own. So in reality they were not my friends at all. Daniel had moved in June before we had broken up so that was at least not a problem. My "friends" would often ask about him and I had to remind his so called best friends of his birthday. By the time I had made my own friends I had already been through two boyfriends that were more of a rebound thing, who also hurt my badly.

Angela Montogomery, one of my new friends, is a very out spoken person and abrasive if you do not know her very well. She more or less snapped my into reality that Daniel was out of my life. Angela also got my to realize that more things went wrong in my life because I turned away from God. When I felt the most alone and had no one I should have turned to Him, but I did not. I did not forgive God just yet because I was still in much pain.

I took up the activity of partying. That is not the best thing to do when you are depressed.

I was introduced to alcohol. On February 11, the day we started dating was one of the worst days for me. So the next weekend I decided that I would try out drinking. I will never do that again, it scared me so badly. I could not remember some things and to top it off I got very grounded. My mom called my cell to tell me to come home and I was so scared, eating Taco Bell does nothing. I had to miss Sadies which, Daniel went to. Knowing that he went to my Sadies and I could not go made me very angry with my mom. Since I had decided on my own to never drink again.

Having my mom and I not getting made things much harder for me. Also, my dad promised to get me a car on my birthday, which he did not do or even attempt. So I decided to get myself a job. That changed my prospective considerably. Not only was I away from my mom considerably I saw how different things are in the "real world." I got myself employed at Posados.

Restaurant business is not always pleasant and since I am a Hostess everyone thinks they can yell at me. After about a month of working there I made friends with some of the servers. I have learned a great deal from them and now I look up to a few. I have always been open-minded and they showed me new ways of thinking and to look from a different prospective.

I went to church camp this year right after school got out for summer and made my peace with God. Everyone said that it will get better. They were wrong and time dose not heal all wounds. Learning who you are and what you want from life and having love in your life is the only thing that helps pain. It is funny love and pain go hand in hand.

I saw Daniel the week before school started up again, he came up to my work with a bunch of "friends" and he was totally inebriated. I felt sorry form him and that was all. No more pain. My mom and I are getting along better. We only see each other about a total of 30 minutes a day but, it is almost always a good 30 minutes. I love school, I love to learn, so I am constantly busy with school, home work, and work. I am exhausted but, I am happy. I am a good person and trying to be a good Christian. I am content with life and I know now I can handle anything that comes my way.