My roomate Ernie- the stupidest man to ever have been given a teaching job. Part I

Essay by Keir April 2005

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Consider the odds: being given a roommate half the world away who was born in the same hospital as you (in my case back in Loserpeg) and on the same date to boot (albeit 26 years apart). This could be used to argue the underlying cause for my contempt for the man. Admittedly, I feel self-conscious as it is every time I look in the mirror and notice the increasing grey of my temples. But to have to share lodgings with someone whose IQ is exquisitively reflected in his appearance is too much. Do we simply share statistics? Am I looking at myself 3 decades from now? Granted, I could never allow myself to gain three times my current size as he has which he moves at a forward incline, in slippers that never completely leave the floor but which he allows to drag across the floor as he shuffles himself along.

But when I am suddenly surprised during the rare times I watch a film to see him there behind me, staring blankly with mouth agape and his stooped posture threatening to crash down like one of those typical buildings constructed by mafiosi in the south of Italy during a slight earthquake, a wave of revulsion comes upon me tinged with the disquiet feeling that there but the grace of God...

And yet this was the man who had claimed, in complete seriousness and self-belief, that he had been endowed with a 6-pack only the year before and that, with the use of a huge medicine ball, he would regain his formidable physique in no time.

Reader, before you judge me a misanthropic Timon enthused with a hatred for humanity, allow me the chance to acquit myself by offering you the following information concerning his work as a teacher.