It was Halloween. The time of the year when some kids have the most fun. But not him. He was there. Sitting in his room, grounded. Alone in the house. A sound of ringing phone traveled through house like a wave on an ocean. Ben ran quickly to answer it.
"Hello?"
"Is this Ben?"
"Yeah, that's me." Ben replied.
"Hey, this is Steve."
"Hello Steve. What is going on?"
"Did you hear about the new store that opened recently in our town?"
"No."
"You've got to go see it. I heard it has all the stuff you need for Halloween. Masks and costumes. They have everything. Do you want to go see it with me?" Asked Steve.
"I can't. I am grounded!" Said Ben with disappointment.
"That's too bad. I am going there right now. Anyway, just give me a call when you can leave your house again. See you."
Ben and Rebecca
English: Halloween City store, 3773 Carpenter Road...
English: Halloween Store, Derry / Londonderry The ..."Buy." Answered Steve with frustration.
He knew he couldn't leave the house. He was alone but he knew both of his parents would call every hour or so to check if he is home. Then the phone rang again. He answered it.
"Hi Ben. This is Mom. I know I grounded you but I want you to do me a favor. Go to the pharmacy and pick up the medication for me. Ok honey?
"No problem Mom."
"All right then. Get the medicines and come back as soon as possible. Remember you're still grounded. I will be home by 7:00 and I expect you to be back by that time."
"Ok Mom. Buy." Replied Ben.
He looked at the clock. It read 6:30. He dressed and left house to pick up the medications. By the time he left pharmacy it was already 6:50. He decided to take a...
Okay but can be improved.
Overall, the story is ok, but it's a little too short and a few things are missing. In the beginning, you talk about a "boy", and then suddenly start talking about Ben, almost making it seem as if you're talking about a different person. You don't introduce the characters properly and the story seems to go a little fast. Maybe you should expand on the character development and setting? The last line was also confusing, but perhaps you did that to let the reader ponder what the thing he saw was?
On the other hand, I like how you describe the feelings of the character and events in the story. Lines like "it jumped right at his face like a furious warrior" effectively describe the scene and makes the story interesting to read.
Good job, but the story could be improved a bit more. Try establishing the setting a little better and introduce the characters properly.
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