It was already almost time to leave. Time to pack up and move on with my life. As I slowly walked out of my parents house no goodbyes and no hugs were exchanged. All I received was an inaudible grunt when I told them I was leaving. My friend of eight years, Ryan, was waiting outside for me. He's Hispanic, about 5'10 built averagely with black hair. I loaded my belongings into the back of his old beat up blue 85 Toyota Camry. As he pulled out and started to drive away, I was lost in my own thoughts wondering if I was ever going to see my family again.
"So what happened?" he asked. I explained to him about the fights, the anger and hatred that my family shared with each other. "A unsatisfying home life, we all had that," he said with a grin. "Do you want to come and chill at my house till you get your feet on the ground?" I answered with a nod.
Toyota Camry photographed in Waldorf, Maryland, US...
Rear-side shot of a fifth generation Toyota Camry,...
Front-side shot of a fifth generation Toyota Camry...We drove the rest of the way in silence, with me finally realizing the daunting task of living on my own at the age of sixteen.
When he pulled into his driveway, I noticed the tell-tell signs of a flophouse, broken cars, and all kinds of garbage in the yard. Things that I have seen too much of in my short life and I wished I would never see again. When I walked in, right then and there I contemplated whether or not to stay or walk out. I knew exactly what was going on, drugs. Something I promised myself I would walk away from two years ago. It was a 2 bedroom house, the first room was connected with a kitchen, I could tell this is were the...
Touching!
Ok well let's start with the overall impression that this essay left me!
It was touching and very realistic, I mean it's a story that not too many people share but the ones who do, it is a very painful one and it's worth writing about it as an experience that just like in your case made you go through a lot of difficulties but in the end you were strong enough to leave it behind! It's emotional and there are feelings inside it that might make the reader taste some tears!
The reason I'm saying it is possible is because of the way you approached your essay, and how you decided to express your story to the others!
I love how you started your story, intriguing the reader and making him/her curious enough to keep reading! That's always a goal a writer has, to keep the reader tantalized and interested in the story! I also like how it is mysterious and does not reveal the true problem in the beginning...you always want to leave the reader with a suspense! Nice job on that one!!! Then you continue with your real problem, how you got involved in it, the consenquences which is basically the message you are transmitting "do not use drugs because this is what happens..it happened to me, and so it will to you if you did what i did" and then you have the ending result that basically if you fight it, it's definately benevolent to your life in all means!
So, in other words, on the long run it's an awesome, educative essay!!!
Now looking at it in a more constructive and grammatical way!
You do have grammatic errors here and there such as in the beginning, second paragraph, you say "hatred that my family shared with each other"! Now, family is a singular noun, therefore saying that it shared hatred with each other, would make it plural, which is not! ANother way to say it would be "the hatred my family shared in itself"...u see what i'm trying to get at?
Also some other mistakes which are not so important but of course would not help in making the essay reach its highest values, would be:
1.in stead of "sleeping was not in my priorites --> sleeping was not my priority
2.one before the last paragraph where you say "my lungs were barely working at 50 percent of there capacity. " there should be their!
3. last paragraph: have got --> have gotten
4. last paragraph: anyway --> in any way
and on top of these...watch out the commas because in some places they should really be periods!
I'm sorry about this whole detailed comment, and i don't want to sound like a little bitch, but i'm very critical in the sense that I want an essay to be great and why shouldn't it be when you have all it takes to make it one? I mean your essay is fantastic! It has a message to reveal, emotions that go along with it, and it can attract nothing other than admiration, and sympathy from the readers so thumbs up my friend!!!
XOXO,
a senior chick, (HS)
Eggy
PS. I only learned to speak english 2 years ago...so give me some credit cuz it was hard to learn it! lol =P
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