Congratulations to you for expressing your deepest feelings without shame. Sometimes a frank discussion of an issue like this is difficult and embarrassing, but you are a model to others. Shameless self expression such as this can center both the reader and the writer.I wonder how many others who are in the grip of domestic violence will be inspired to exit an abusive situation simply from reading your work. I commend you for your courage. Very nice job!
- 18/05/2004
- 13:43:30
- Score: 12 out of 13 people found this comment useful.
Very nice! Proofread carefully before using as there are several grammatical errors. Very well written though!
- 18/05/2004
- 13:26:50
- Score: 2 out of 2 people found this comment useful.
Consider starting a new paragraph at "Sometimes a person can want to do something..."Remember, paragraphs in general should have a single main topic that each sentence within it supports.This means that when you change the subject, you should also change paragraphs.Nice job and keep trying!Bill
- 15/05/2004
- 16:59:55
- Score: 2 out of 2 people found this comment useful.
Heavy laiden with vernacular, or lingo, that few aside from audiophiles would understand. Perhaps explaining some of the terminology would help the readers identify.Alos, some additional research is warranted. You attribute poor recording quality in "My Babe" to "...the year of the recording..." when in fact the 'noise' is the result of using inferior recording equipment. Even during the 1960's, high-quality recording with very high signal to noise ratios was possible.Also, in the paragraph about the song entitled "So Many People in the Neighborhood" you assert that the vocals were "...recorded onto two tracks." In fact, it is impossible to tell how many 'tracks' were used to produce a digital recording. With a bit of research into the actual engineering of audio recordings, you will find that it is not unusual for a typical 'pop' song to include dozens of individual vocal 'tracks' and sometimes hundreds of 'tracks' in total.Overall pretty good. Keep writing!Bill
- 15/05/2004
- 09:51:58
- Score: 2 out of 2 people found this comment useful.
Check the rules for capitalization and run-on sentences.
- 15/05/2004
- 09:08:32
- Score: 4 out of 5 people found this comment useful.
Very good work. However, if you were to rearrange the paper, I think it would be improved. For instance, you mention the 'Hall of Mirrors' in several places throughout your work. It would be more effective if you were to combine these different sections into only one. An outline may be help ful to you for this process. Simply make an outline of the major points you want to make about the Palace, then arrange your sentences and paragraphs according to the outline.Good job, good luck and keep writing!Bill
- 15/05/2004
- 09:00:02
- Score: 1 out of 1 people found this comment useful.
Spelling is "break," not brake. Good effort though. Keep working!
- 14/05/2004
- 10:10:23
- Score: 3 out of 3 people found this comment useful.
I enjoyed your essay. The manner of organization is very strong and creates a clear credibility to your work. There are few grammatical errors. The sections detailing the history of L. Ron Hubbard and Scientology are very strong. The only weakness that I can detect is when you move into your thesis. There seems to be little concrete evidence of the dangers that you claim. If the facts were obtained from a source, perhaps adding a quote would lend the necessary weight. Overall I would say this is a very good essay. Strengthening your position with some credible sources or additional information about the auditing process or costs, etc. could help. Hope these are helpful to you!Bill
- 14/05/2004
- 10:01:24
- Score: 2 out of 2 people found this comment useful.
Consider revising and developing a stronger, more focused thesis statement. You have good material here and with the proper focus and assembly, a very nice final product can be had.Try to keep all of your paragraphs and sentences focused on supporting your precise thesis and you will do well.Also, consider condensing the short paragraphs into one larger, more meaningful paragraph. Good luck and keep writing!Bill
- 13/05/2004
- 21:37:42
- Score: 10 out of 10 people found this comment useful.
Well done! This work is technically very good and is a fine example of how to write effectively. Your use of voice and diction is very good. Grammatically there are few errors, and most of all, it is easy and entertaining to read. Very, very good! Keep writing!Bill
- 13/05/2004
- 21:28:29
- Score: 7 out of 7 people found this comment useful.
Consider trying to reduce the number of time the word 'girl' appears. Checking a thesaurus could help you find various ways to communicate the meaning without repeating too often.Also, there are several instances of mixed tense, (present, future) and person (second, first, third) which should be avoided. Pick a single tense and person to work with throughout.Not a bad effort though. Keep trying and keep writing!Bill
- 13/05/2004
- 14:39:09
- Score: 7 out of 7 people found this comment useful.
Please consider including the necessary citations for information obtained from various sources.Also, be certain your facts are straight. For example, E=mc2 states that energy is equal to the mass of the object times the speed of light squared, which is NOT the same as mass equalling energy.Also, perhaps you could expand on or explain the photoelectric effect for your readers. For persons who do not know what it means, the concept is meaningless.So, please consider performing additional research, including citations for the material you use and keep up the good work!Bill
- 13/05/2004
- 14:15:57
- Score: 1 out of 1 people found this comment useful.
This is a very good start! Here are some suggestions for making it even better than it already is.First, consider developing a thesis statement. A thesis statement is a sentence that summarizes your main point. After developing a thesis statement, editing becomes easy. Just ask yourself, "Does this sentence or paragraph reinforce my thesis?" If the answer is no, then consider editing it away.Second, develop a simple outline based on your thesis. A good outline is a 'road map' for you to follow as you assemble your words into sentences and make your points into paragraphs. Simply arrange your finished paragraphs according to the outline and a logical paper will emerge.Third, develop a strong opening paragraph. There is no formula for a great opening paragraph and good ones come in many varieties, but the best have at least three things in common. One, the have some background or exposition material to introduce the reader and give them a frame of reference. Two, they have a thesis statement which summarizes the entire point of the work into one sentence. And three, they give a brief introduction to the points you will make in the work. A strong opening paragraph will always help!Fourth, proofread again and again. The worst thing ever is having a great work and losing credibility with errors. Don't rely on the spell and grammar functions in the wordprocesser either, as they are frequently wrong. Try reading the paper backwards word by word. The spelling mistakes are easier to find like that!Fifth, go back through and check each fact that you present and ask yourself, "Where did I hear about that?" or "How do I know this statement to be true?" Often times, we know these things because we read them somewhere. Each instance you find like this is an opportunity to use a quote or paraphrase a source. Using reliable sources in this way lends tremendous credibility to your work.Although these are my own words and suggestions, take a look at "The Little Brown Compact Handbook" by Brown, Lemay and Burston. It is a goldmine of valuable information and tips to make every writer better.I hope these are helpful to you. Good luck and keep writing!Bill
- 13/05/2004
- 10:29:09
- Score: 2 out of 2 people found this comment useful.
Very nice job overall. Perhaps you could expand on the detremental effects of recreation. You do a nice job of discussing the effect of polution and global warming, but fade a bit on the recreation. Overall very good! I hope this is helpful and keep up with the good writing!Bill
- 11/05/2004
- 19:26:57
- Score: 6 out of 6 people found this comment useful.
Many, many, many, many grammatical and spelling errors. Try turning off spell checker and proofreading more carefully. Otherwise, an essay such as this will be dismissed purely on technicalities instead of having the real merits considered. Proof, proof and then proof again!Also, the work fails to address or explain the 'priciple' detailed in the title. A thesis statement may help acheive the focus needed to produce a more coherent flow of ideas. I hope these are helpful to you. Good luck and keep writing!Bill
- 10/05/2004
- 20:02:29
- Score: 3 out of 3 people found this comment useful.