Loneliness in a Crowd

Essay by ascraeusUniversity, Bachelor's June 2007

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I woke up with a terrible noise. I got out of bed and looked outside. There was a crowd of people that was screaming, yelling, crying. I easily found out that it was a funeral.

I rubbed my eyes and I checked out my watch. It was 11 and for a long time I did not sleep so long. During the week I was going to college and in weekends I was working at a restaurant. A few days ago I quit my job because I couldn’t catch up with both college and work. I had to make a choice and so I had to quit my job. After breaking up the job, I was in need of financial support. It has been six months since I last saw my family. During that six month I had never called or written them therefore it was very hard for me to call them and tell ‘I need money ‘.

So I decided to go home and talked to them again.

On the way to home I thought all I had experienced during that six months. I experienced hard times but the hardest part was loneliness. I was alone; no family, no friend, and no lover. I longed for those terrible days in my home town.

When I arrived at home no one seemed welcoming. I opened the door and my mother was standing in front of me. She looked me in the eye for a while and go back into the living room without saying anything. I was hearing my father and brother’s voice coming from the living room. Their voice sounded very tired. They must have been worked hard today. They heart my voice too, but they did not care my coming and went on their conversation.

I had been already stiffed with my father before going to school but I had no problem with my mother and elder brother and little sister. It was quite obvious that they resented me for not calling them all this time long. They might be right but how could I forget what they did. She and my brother had left me in the lurch and how could they expect me to call them. I was very angry and I went into my room and lie on my bed. There was only a bed in the room, everything was disappeared; my video, my cassettes, my books… I lied on bed and looked at the wall blankly. I thought and thought.

Since I was born I had problems with my father. He had very strict rules and wants everything to spin around him. If he had wanted something to be done, it should have been done immediately. I had grown up in a small town and there children were working with his father rather than studying. I was one of them. Since I was eight I had been working in my father shops, yet; I continue my education. I wanted to be a surgeon. It was something I had a passion for. I studied hard. I both worked and studied.

After graduating high school I was elected to college and gained a scholarship but, already, I needed some money. When I told y father that I was elected to college, he told me“If you have enough money for studying, you are free.”Although he had enough financial power for sending me into college, he did not do that. I need money and where could I find it? I asked money from my uncle. I told him I would give it back to him when I became a surgeon. He said,“I have six sons and all of them are working with me and they are in prosperity. Why don’t you work in your father’s shop? If you want I can give a job in my market. This is all I can do for you”I didn’t know what to do. I talked to my mother my, my brother they told me they did not have any money although they had enough for my education. I went to my uncle again and told him if he had lent me some money before working for him. He accepted it and gave me the money that I need. I went to the college and enrolled and turned back. I didn’t go to school for a month and worked in my uncle’s market. One night my father come into my room and turned on the light. I was about to fell asleep. He left some money on the table and said.

“Is it enough?”“I don’t need your money” I said“If so why do you still live in my home?”“Don’t worry I will go soon”“I am not telling you to leave the home.” I am your father don’t forget.”He turned the lights off and left the room. In the morning I put some clothes in a trunk and left the home. I took my all money from my uncle and went to college…It was very noisy and I had never seen such a crowd in my entire life. I watched people for a while. It was like a movie scene. They were as if actors and actresses. All of them seemed unhappy. Nevertheless, unhappy for what? For the dead person? or for his or her parents? Their unhappiness stems from the atmosphere in which they were. It was funeral and they have to seem as if they were unhappy. It was not hard to understand it.

I wore my clothes and get out of the room. There was no one at home. They might go to the funeral. Whose funeral was this I thought. I put my coat and go out. It seemed less crowded than it seemed from the upside. I look around. There was no one I know. I wanted ask someone whose funeral it was I closed to a man but he was talking breathlessly about the last night’s championship match and the others were listening him with all ears. I moved ahead and there some other men were discussing about political events. The women near me were talking on magazine. Children were playing… No one was talking about the funeral and the dead person. I went on looking for someone talking about the funeral. A group of young people were talking about him.

“I cannot believe this he was the most lively, most funny and friendly person I have ever known.”“Yes you right. Who can believe this? He? How can he do that.”“He changed very much after graduating high school. After graduation I have never seen him laughing or smiling. Someday I saw him sitting at the park alone… On that moment they stop speaking and moved ahead. I followed the crowd. While walking I thought the death. So many times we forget that we will die someday and only remember it when someone dies.

After walking for ten minutes we reached the graveyard. It started to rain and it was very cold. There was a grave prepared for the death person. When he put into the grave screams and cries were being heart more and more. I wanted to sob. I wanted sob for this boy whom I didn’t know .I didn’t. I couldn’t cry and this was giving me more pain. I could feel all this pain on my finger tips.

There is a man and woman next to the grave they were screaming yelling. The women were screaming so loudly that I felt as if she was screaming in my head.

“Why you killed yourself? Why? Why?Killed you? Did he commit a suicide? But why as the women said. Why he commit suicide?It was getting colder and now I didn’t feel my feet and my hands anymore. It was so cold but something was burning inside of me. I have never felt myself like that but I can feel it. It was getting darker, and I wanted to go home and sleep. I decided to leave there and go home. I went forward among the crowd and in the end I was before the grave. I looked it for a while and smiled. I looked into the grave like a mirror and saw my reflection.

I saw me. Who I was. . I saw my past I saw my future. It was not a body of, flash, blood and bone. It was a body of great life. In the and it was dark and I understood what loneliness actually meant. I was in deep darkness and loneliness in a crowd.